Woah! I'm writing this! Right now, I'm in AP psych and the instructor is yapping about how correlation doesn't equal causation. We know this. I've known this since I was 8. He's really trying to drive it into our brains though! God, I hate being here. On my drive today some guy honked at me like 6 times to turn. My bad I can't see oncoming traffic behind the GIANT SUV in the left turn lane. God forbid. Not to mention I was up till midnight coding this stupid website. I have a rough draft for my creative writing assignment due and I haven't worked on it at all. It's due in two hours and what am I doing? I'm writing this. It's not all bad, I guess. Tomorrow I get to leave early and skip my math quiz to go to a music festival. It's pretty hype usually. I dunno, I don't really have anything else to say. I'll keep working on the website. Maybe change the name from Urban Oasis so no one I know finds it. Peace out,
—Myk3l
We're back in AP psych. Yesterday was overall, terrible. One of my friends dragged me from the library to the cafeteria so I would “socialize.” I told myself I would work on the website during lunch, take a break from the hell that is my math homework. But then I got dragged to the cafeteria. Once they got up to go get food, I took my backpack and headed back to the library. The cafeteria makes me wanna die, anyways. It’s just awful, smells, sounds, lights, I hate all of it. And then the people I sit with (who I would barely call my friends) get pissed when I have my headphones on- my bad, sorry for trying to stay sane. I like my headphones, they give a ton of comfort. I know how "edgy" I sound right now, I'm not stupid. But god, it just sucked. Not to mention the dysphoria I get in math class. These two girls who sit next to me are 1. really loud and 2. act like they don't know I'm trans. I hate being trans, if I could just be a cis girl I would. Anyways, I'm off to the music festival later today, so I won't be able to update the site. I'll talk about it on Sunday, but for now I'm going to try and code in a better format for these blog posts. I'll put a list of things I need to do on the homepage as well so I take it as a reminder and figure it out.
P.S. I'm learning how to align my text correctly on the screen, so look out for cool new formatting.
Anyways, have a good day
—Myk3l
I'm back! The music festival was great, I did a harmonica workshop and may now annoy my family with awful tunes on said harmonica. I'm learning the basics— playing single notes, chords, tongue blocking, that stuff. I also did a fiddle workshop but I left my violin at home. I've been in a folk-punk, bluegrass, indie mood recently.(Check out Days n Daze) I'm writing this from creative writing, knowing full well I have an unstarted second draft due at midnight. I really don't care, school is so awful. I want to work on my art and music, I wanna start my comics. I wanna play the banjo! I have a lot of things I want to do, I need to stop being on my phone so much so I can do them. I feel like a damn addict. It's shit. Anyway, I've had a new idea, it's unremarkable but it's something. Basically this little wizard boy living in wizard city going to wizard school goes on a quest to find his hat. I might not do anything with it, but I like having new ideas. Makes me feel accomplished and creative. I got some coding tips from a friend so once I do my assignment I'll work on the site. I purposefully left my notebook at home so I wouldn't have to do work today hahaaa. I dunno, there's not a lot to talk about. I found a new band at the festival, Twisted Pine. Lonestar is a modern masterpeice, go listen to it. Listen to it right now, I'm not kidding. Sorry, I'm rambling. Anyways, expect site updates. Have an okayish day
—Myk3l
Today, I'm not at school. I am sick. Not really actually,It's really not that bad. I just hope I didn't get my partner sick, yesterday we hung out at this free tutoring thing after school before we both went to youth orchestra. I'm so tired. I've been honestly considering just letting myself become a mindless school zombie for the rest of the year. Succumbing to the horde isn't that bad. I just need to stick out till senior year really, which sucks because I just started junior. I finished my creative writing project at 11, an hour before it was due. My life is mostly school right now. Orchestra was fun, I really enjoy how the director manages to focus on everyone at some point through the practice. My regular director doesn't do that, he focuses on the violins and cellos. I play viola, so I don't have much to do. There was one point where the director from youth orchestra just said "Violas and firsts, go ahead and practice that part for the next... 95 seconds" and he worked with the cellos and seconds at that point while we still had something to do. The part was pretty hard so I'm glad he let us practice it. Unrelated, I'm thinking about fixing my converse. Right now they're being held together by ducktape, but I got some shoe glue and will glue them back soon. Last year my friends made fun of me for them because of how ragged they were. I don't really want it to happen again, the only reason I didn't get new ones was because I didn't have a job and I didn't wanna make my parents pay to get me new shoes. I eventually did get new ones, but I still feel bad because I didn't pay for them. Anyways, I haven't been doing much in the past day. Right now, I'm sitting downstairs with my cat watching youtube. I should probably be studying for my AP Psych test, but oh well. I really don't want to. Have a sick-free day,
—Myk3l
We're feeling much better today. I've been really stressed, there's a lot of personal stuff going on that I won't blast out onto the interwebs. But it'll be fine. I don't rly have much to say today, I have 2 tests tmrw. I wanna see if my partner will come with me to the tutoring thing again but they might leave early today for a mental health day because of the stress. That's fair. I don't think the tutors could help anyway. Algebra is kicking my ass though, it's not that hard but I really don't get it. I'm taking IB math next year too (maybe) but I don't know if I want to anymore. Anyways, I changed up the sections on the site so now I use div instead of section. I like how it's looking so far. I might change up the color scheme, but my chromebook is so messed up it doesn't load until like 3 hours later. It takes a while. I'm still in my folk punk mood, It's hopefully gonna keep going. Folk punk makes me really sad and happy at the same time, I like it. on one hand, it gets me thinking about the state of the world and how I'll never be able to live in the woods like I want because of my transgenderness. (I mean, I could, but it'd be much harder than if I was just a boy. How would I get HRT?) But It also makes me really happy because of the sound and how the singers speak about the issues. It feels really optimistic even when it sometimes isn't. I love it when music makes you feel something, it's like my favorite thing. Anyways, I'm meant to be doing a kahoot right now, so I should go. Have a nonstressful day,
—Myk3l
I really hate math. Ohhh my god,I hate it so much. I don't know why I'm doing an advanced math class, I've never done one before and I HATE IT. I have a math test today, I'm writing this as I finished my AP Psych test, I do not think I did well, but I really don't care! I don't care actually. Idk, there's not much else going on. I'm thinking about giving myself snakebites. I know they'll probably get infected but I don't really care. I would ask one of my friends to do it but most of them think it's a bad idea. I really like DIY though and I am unfortunately both a minor and couldn't afford piercings even if I wasn't. SO I think I'll try and get the jewelery for it, maybe I'll get a real piercing needle. I was just gonna boil a sewing needle initially, but my friends really hated that idea. I've been reading a lot of articles on JSTOR about the "no nations no borders" beliefs, and there's a few books I wanna check out about it. I also read old FBI reports on that kind of stuff, extreme anarchist groups. I'm not saying I agree with all of it, I just find it interesting. Although anarchism raises some valid points. I read "About Anarchy" a few months ago, and I really liked it. I enjoy political literature and non-fiction, which I feel is a bit odd. Anyways, I'm a little sick again today. I'm dragging my partner to art club later today and then I have a viola lesson, so that's fun. Have a good day,
-Myk3l
Whoops, missed a few days. A lots been going on, I've been really stressed. (Booo) I have to go to church tomorrow, I promised my mom I would and in return she ungrounded me. I had been grounded for MONTHS it was nice. I've been really dysphoric lately. Like everything I do is percieved as feminine. I stand a certain way, walk a certain way, dress a certain way, talk a certain way- hell, I dropped something a few days ago and I cringed because of how femenine I picked it up. I really hate being trans. And I give awful trans advice! It sucks. I feel dysphoric literally just hanging out with girls. I should be allowed to hang out with girls! But cis guys don't hang out with girls (which they do) and therefore I can't. Anyways. I hung out with my partner and friend today after a little while, we went to a few different stores and made matching bracelets (which is also dysphoric but I'll wear it to make them happy) based on our eye colors. Yesterday I went to goodwill and got some new clothes for making patches (and I borrowed some thread from michaels bcI ran out and I'm broke). I also got Karate Kid, Les Mis, and She's the Man on DVD. My partner got me Toxicity on CD today so I now have more car music. Idk, I've been chilling other than the dysphoria. I don't really wanna vent on here but I guess I just did haha. My friend asked me for book reccomendations and I'm sending her a list of a bunch of political non-fiction books I like now haha (she knows what kind of thing I read and asked specifically bc of that). I'm tired, I'm going to bed. Signing off,
—Myk3l
the earth has struck me down once again, I shan't be able to survive. My stomach hurts. Not having a great day so far, my partner woke up late and couldn't take me to school, this annoying girl in my orchestra class won't shut up, we're playing the worst repetoire of my entire time in high school orchestra- it really sucks. I do not enjoy it! I finished my art project last night, so thankfully I have it ready today. However, I still haven't started my creative writing project. It is due TONIGHT. I am so screwed. I took an advil last hour but my stomach still really hurts. I don't think it's what I'm eating, I ate enough yesterday. I'm meant to be writing my journal right now, but I don't really want to. I'm listening to Bikini Girls With Machine Guns by The Cramps on repeat right now. I like it quite a bit. My stomach really hurts, I'm going back to it because it feels like someone's trying to rip my stomach out with their dirty nails. I want panera, that's what I want. Broccoli cheddar soup and a movie while I do my homework would be lovely right now. Maybe I'll ask my mom to come pick me up. My stomach hurting is really all I can think about. My boyfriend pick me up from church early yesterday because I told them I was sick, maybe that'll help. I hate school. I just need to make it through tonight, then tomorrow I can paint patches and make myself some new clothes. It'll be great. Hopefully?
In unrelated news, you might've noticed that I changed the site background. I got the texture from Texture Town by Melon King. Their whole website is super cool. I'll probably make a credit site for all the images, parts, and tutorials that I use (oh god, I just sneezed. Why would sneezing hurt? It's because I moved and my stomach hates me. My whole body hates me.) so I'm not stealing any images or anything. That'd be fun. Maybe I'll make a button wall too, that'd be nice. I've been collecting buttons for myself in the week or so I've been working on the site. I think I'm making decent progress with the site. Signing off for now,
—Myk3l
we are so back! Not really. I stayed home yesterday and did absolutely nothing until I had to go to my therapist, after which I finally started and finished my creative writing assignment. I'm in AP Psych again, meant to be writing an AAQ. I don't know what that is. I answered the questions on the doc, but I really don't know what I'm meant to be doing. Everyone else is taking forever so it feels like I missed something. Anyways. My partner woke up on time today (they stayed home yesterday too) and we got to hang out before school started. It's also a glorious half-day, and we get to hang out after school too. I think the creative writing thing was the extent of my homework so far, so I'm finally free! For a bit at least. I'll make patches tonight, I've got a few ideas for what I want to make. (Switched to 3rd hour) I'm in creative writing now. Today has been really boring, but orchestra was fun. I'm actually starting to like the peices we're playing. Not Lyric Metal. Apparently it was made in memory of some kid who really liked Apokalyptica. That's great, but they really should've hired a better composer to do it. That feels insensitive but it's so bad. I think I'll sign off now. Still looking forward to hanging out with my boyfriend later. It's not really a date I don't think. Maybe it is. Signing off,
—Myk3l
10 entries! That's crazy. I spent the half-day yesterday with my boyfriend, it was pretty fun. We got gas station snacks (they got me a monster). Today I woke up and everything hurt. I think I slept weird. I didn't end up making patches but after my 3rd viola lesson tonight I will. I've seen people saying that the town I live in is a small town. I don't really agree. I think it's an old-person town if anything. My chromebook is dying. I'm so tired this morning, it sucks. I really don't want to go to orchestra today. It's become less fun. (For clarification I go to both school orchestra and youth orchestra, right now I'm talking about school orchestra.) I really hate the repetoire this year, except for one. I talked about Lyric Metal yesterday, I know, but it's just so bad. Goddamn. I don't have much to say today. I think my partners taking me to my viola lesson later and we can hang out before, that's fun. Signing off,
—Myk3l
oooh i don't feel well. I've been just going downhill since yesterday really. 5th hour was shit. IDK if i'd call it overstimulating? But like I got bitch-slapped with dysphoria out of nowhere. I don't want to hear my voice anymore ever. Literally my personality on the inside doesn't reflect on the outside, and my inside personality isn't what it should be. I don't know what's going on, so here I am screaming into the void. I took 2 walks yesterday and am aiming for three. I'm going on one right now actually. Bye.-- Back from my walk. Ran into my teacher halfway through lmao, he didn't say anything. I think he gets it. I've been taking more and more walks recently, because the idea of sitting in class doing NOTHING or working on something makes me genuinely feel sick. I think I'm going to skate when I get home. I only know how to do my longboard and I need to figure out how to use my skateboard. It's not that different, but the trucks on my longboard are super tight. Maybe I loosen them, then learn that, then learn skateboard? I've always had trouble learning athletic things. I didn't know how to ride a bike till I was 8, and my mom wouldn't let my try any other forms of wheel until I learnt. I think that stunted my vehicular ability a bit. My family jokes and says I'm "vehicularly challenged" which is pretty funny honestly. Anyways. Right now I'm in creative writing. All we're doing right now is building with legos.We're gonna base our upcoming story on what we build, I guess? I took pictures of mine and ripped it down. I dunno. There's chair auditions in youth orchestra on Monday, and if that bitch next to me gets first chair I'll literally strangle her. I sound entitled haha. I've had first chair for the past 2 years in the top orchestra at my school, so maybe it's fed my ego a bit. But I simultaneously think I suck and deserve last chair and think everyone else sucks and I deserve first. I dunno. I'm just tired.My creative writing teacher is genluinely really silly :^ lmao. I know others don't like him but I think he's just a goober. I don't have much else to say. It's weird how my mood can change so quick. I was doing fine yesterday before 5th hour, and it's just been shit since then. Signing off,
—Myk3l
How do you fix a broken social life? I told myself during the summer that this year would be better than last year, because being in junior year while being a total loser and looking way younger than you are is pathetic. And here I am, still freaking out when someone bumps into me in the hallway. Homecoming is sometime in the next two weeks and I already told my partner I'd go, but I don't feel up to it. There's some crazy personal shit going on right now that I won't put on the interwebs but basically one of my close friends had to leave for a bit. I went to the doctors yesterday because my mom was worried about how much school I was missing (2 1/2 days in the past 2 weeks) and they basically said it was just a mixture of high acid, lactose sensitivity and anxiety. Which isn't anything new, I already knew all that. I'm going on a backpacking trip this weekend with my mom, so hopefully that'll be fine. I told her off a few weeks ago for not referring to me as a guy for the first time since I came out in April. I'm hoping to talk to her about it more after the backpacking trip. I'm bringing my harmonica and my knife so I can hopefully whittle a bit. Old man hobbies, I know. My partner is mad at me I'm pretty sure. Everything is just exhausting. Signing off,
—Myk3l
the hells up with the html background? my docs gone all fuggin' weird. now when I type in a quotation mark it automatically gives me two, that's sick. anyways. I'm back from the camping trip. I was back yesterday and monday but I really just didn't care enough to update the blog. I don't give a fuck! I've been really tired. And nauesous. I'm starting some new medication that take a few weeks to kick in, but they make me nauesous as hell. My friend went back to the psych ward. I didn't mention it last time out of respect for their privacy but 1. I'm not mentioning their name or anything and 2. They don't even know about the site. Only 1 person I know has access to it. It's fine! But I was really worried bc they didn't tell me, they told my partner who told me. It makes it hard to enjoy how much fun I had on my camping trip, because I did have fun. I met some great people. Nico was my favorite. He was 23, a college dropout, smoked lots of weed (not at the time just in general), had a badass girlfriend, liked country music but only the good stuff, put out hot coals with his fingers, and ate MRE's that he got from a military surplus store. He was chill. He kinda looked like a redneck who'd be a total asshole but he was genuinely a nice dude. Obviously I can't trust everything he says but I don't really care. It's none of my business. It's just crazy to me how when you're up in the woods, in the backcountry especially, people just kinda pour their heart out. It's like making friends except you never talk to them again. Anyways. Today I'm listening to Sister Wife Sex Change by Sister Wife Sex Strike. The albums pretty fuckin' good. Signing off,
—Myk3l
yesterday was shit. it was total fucking shit. i don't even know what to do. so I'm gonna talk about it because apparently i hate myself. i went suit shopping with my mom for homecoming which is saturday aka tomorrow. it was super last minute but i changed what i wanted at the last minute because maybe i just want some normalcy right now? anyways. she kept calling me by my deadname and calling me her daughter and it was just "she" over and over and she tried to get me to wear a skirt or a dress. shut the fuck up! i told you that im trans, im not your daughter, having to walk through the bras to get to the womens changing room is bad enough, seeing cis boys from my school also there to shop for suits is bad enough having no pants fit me because i have feminine hips is BAD ENOUGH PLEASE just shut up! don't tell the worker that i'm your daughter! I'd rather her call me a tranny than deadname me over and over and over. i've only corrected her like once because i'm fucking scared of what she'd do if i said i was a boy in front of someone she knows. she's not telling anyone about me like i'm a fucking dirty secret or something. it pisses me off. i hate my mom. in other news im making 2 different site themes. we have the red and then the ocean theme. it's pretty chill.
—myk3l
i really need to update this more often, but i'm doing so bad. homecoming was saturday and that was fun, but my boyfriend said that i was being out of character. i bounce off other people's energy so i felt bad for making him uncomfortable. they weren't really uncomfortable but more disconcerted. we left early and hung out afterwards, but i've just been so tired. i have a new idea for a comic. i'm starting to write it out right now actually. first comic that i'm gonna take seriously, wow. i'm gonna go now.
everythings been shit lately. but I had my PSAT today to prep for the real one later in the year. the english section went pretty well, they do this thing now where it's online and adaptive instead of on paper. so the questions got harder for english, meaning i did well on the first half. i think i'm right brained honestly. the math went bad, but it always does. i think i did better than last year. the proctor is nice, but the fire alarm went off before we started. apparently a ball got stuck in the rafters of the gym and was setting off the alarm. so they postponed it half and hour and in that time we just played wordle and connections, haha. now im just sitting here waiting for us to be released for lunch. im gonna go find my partner and sit with them in the library. it'll be fun cuz we don't normally have the same lunch. i'm super tired though, i have been recently. i don't know what's up. i went to bed at 9.30 last night and woke up at 6.30 so... 10 hours of sleep? I shouldn't be that tired. anyways, i'll update later. also, how are we liking the new site entrance? It's pretty chill, I'm tryna work out the bugs and shit but yk. have a good day,
—myk3l
I need to work on the continuity of these entries. Not tonight or tomorrow, but maybe next weekend. I've been doing bad. I got a 45 on my math test I thought I did good on. I have an AP Psych test tomorrow and I've been scoring bad on the quizzes. I emailed my teachers to let them know I've not been doing great and it's just so embarassing. I'm freaking out over everything now, and no one is helping. It'll probably get better, it usuallly does. I just need to be a boring zombie for a while so I can feel normal until it gets better. In other news, I have All-State auditions for my Viola next week. I need to memorize the scales. I'm not going to get in. It'd be cool if I could, but I really can't. There's been so much going on and I haven't practiced at all because I've been focusing on everything else. On a more positive note, I got first chair in my Youth Orchestra outside of school, so that's nice. I get to make the annoying second chair girl play the low parts now, haha. She's being pissy because she wants to play the high parts but she doesn't get to bc who got first chair here? Wow, I'm being an asshole. Maybe that's just what I need right now. Also, I think I've been thinking about going back and fixing typos from my old entries. Maybe I won't. Have a good day as always,
—Myk3l
MY FRIEND IS BAACCKKK RAAAGGHHHHH AAAAAAAAAA!! I'm excited. my friend is back. she is in the office right now and i will be seeing her at lunch today. i am excited because my friend is back.
Woah! It's been a while, huh? I'm once again sitting in AP Psych, bored out of my fucking mind. I'm tired as hell and nauseous too. My meds aren't working either but I don't care! Because yesterday I got to go on a 6 mile walk with my best friend. She's been in and out of the mental hospital for like the past month and she's finally back and promises to stay. I told her if she goes back I'm coming with and there's nothing she can do. But anyway, we walked from her house to Dollar General, then to CVS, then downtown, then to Family Dollar, and then to Walgreens. That all was about 5.5 miles. We then walked to Family Fare and walked around there for a bit before I called my mom to pick me up. I think next time we hang out I'll bring my lighter and we'll go burn shit in a park somewhere. All in all I had a good haul, I got some earrings for my boyfriend (glow in the dark ghosts!), a stress ball shaped like a cat, and a candle. My friend called me a klepto, but she was stealing shit too so idgaf. She said she's a bad influence on me, and she's not, bc she's never stolen shit before. I think she thinks she's too cool to be a loser, but we're losers together. A wannabe punk rocker tranny and a lesbian kpop fan, what a duo. Today I accidentally brought a lighter to school. It's just in my pocket, whoops. I didn't mean to, I picked it up off the couch this morning and pocketed it but I forgot to put it somewhere before my boyfriend picked me up. Speaking of my boyfriend!! They and I have a minecraft world right now, we've been playing for like a week, and I'm making them a secret library inside our house. It's hidden behind a painting at the bottom of the stairwell, I just close the doors when they're online so they don't accidentally jump in. I also made them a custom cherry tree with regular cherry wood and nether brick outside our house. I hope they like it. I'm gonna go now, I have an entire slideshow due in 4th hour that I didn't do, plus a short story I have to write like 7 more pages of. Maybe I'll pubish my stories onto here, the ones that aren't bad at least. Peace out,
—Myk3l
Is it still october? that's crazy. i don't like it. i mean i kind of do. some stuff about october is fun, i like halloween. halloween. One of my friends (hello!) found it, so I welcome you with open arms. impressive internet stalking. Onto my day. Today was a half day at school, so I left early and hung out with my partner. I felt like shit because I slept through all 6 of my alarms this morning and they left without me so I had to drive myself. I'm not mad at them, i'm mad at me mostly. I did that yesterday too, I don't know why it's happening. anyways, we got boba, went to a record store, and then went to the beach. it was pretty windy so the water was super choppy and no one was there. it was awesome. after that I went home and went to the doctors. They gave me shots, upped my drugs and then stole my blood. Now my entire body hurts but it's alright cuz I got pizza after. I swear, there's nothing like a treat after a doctor's appointment. My brother had to get his shots done too so he got pizza too. so we ate pizza in the car together. it was pretty chill. nothing else really happened, I played some more minecraft. I wrote some more of my very overdue creative writing assignment. I think i'll go to bed soon. Peace out,
—Myk3l
I think the concept of Halloween is fake. It seems so far away but it's literally Thursday. I'm pretty excited haha, I'm doing more halloweekend stuff than I am Halloween. Who the fuck makes halloween on a thursday? That's just rude.
Halloween is a real thing! I had quite a bit of fun last night, my partner and I just hung out. Today, I think, I am proud of myself. I don't feel it very often but yesterday a clinician came into our school orchestra and he picked me out, said I had very good technique and that he liked my section's sound. Then I had a private lesson and the teacher selected some pretty hard peices for a Solo and Ensemble competition (you play a solo and get scored and feedback from judges.) It means he thinks I'm good enough to take them. My partner says I need to stop being so hard on myself with my viola but if I'm not good I literally cannot go to college. I want to be either a studio musician or a comic artist, maybe both. 2 very low paying jobs, hooray. Anyways. Today my teacher let me like breathe my section in (take a breath before we start playing). I'm first chair by the way. I got first chair for both, I'm genuinly kind of happy with myself. Most of the time I feel like I don't deserve it and try and rationalize it to twist it so I'm not as good, but not this time. I feel happy.
Peace out,
—Myk3l
One thousand views?!! That's insane! That means that 1,000 internet idiots clicked on my corner of the internet. I don't have anything special planned. Maybe once I get to 2,000 I'll do something fancy. I do have big things planned for the future of the site, but I'm still shit at coding. But this is exciting! Anyways.
Todays voting day. While I can't vote yet I went with my Mom to go vote. The people were happy to see she dragged her kid along, but I was just excited to miss school. I'm a bit of an anarchist I guess, I'm kind of against the whole president thing, but I don't like the idea of the worse evil getting in. The main things I want in a President are a ceasefire in Palestine and Gaza immediately, good trans healthcare (and general healthcare) ideas, pro-choice, and that's about it. Those are the main things in my mind I guess. Anyways. I have a memory experiment I need to perform for psych, so I need to go plan that.
Peace out,
—Myk3l
Haha, sorry for not posting for like a week.
Check out my playlist, nerds